Is it ok to kill my husband?

trigger warning: 
discussion of murder, murder of children, murder of a disabled woman, suicide, excuse of murder, sympathy for murderers 


Dear Journalists and Members of the Media,

We need to have a talk. I have some serious questions to ask you, and I'd like to know your honest answers. 

Once again this week, I'm seeing violent murder....  4 violent murders, actually- 3 children and their mother ....... reported as a tragedy and with sympathy for the murderer. He was a pillar of the community. He was a great guy. He was so patient. He was under stress. He must have snapped. He must have been suffering, after all, he committed suicide. 

His wife had a disability. 

Maybe that is why we are reading your sympathy for him.

So, here are my questions for you:

If I kill my husband, who has a disability, is that OK? 

If I kill my 3 kids, who have disabilities, will you feel sorry for me too? 

Now do you see how dangerous what you are doing is? 

Do you realise that while ever you continue to empathise with murderers you put lives at risk?

Will you stop? Or will you keep doing it because it sells papers and gets ratings? 

Who are the REAL experts? ... more on privilege

Earlier this week I wrote about privilege. We all have some. Some of us have more than others. 

This week I had opportunity to try to use my privilege in an effort to help some friends of mine. I'll explain what happened. 

I sometimes write articles that get published by The Huffington Post.

Twice recently Autistic friends of mine have submitted to them, and not been published. Because I thought the words they had to offer were valuable I have done a bit of an experiment with HuffPo and submitted my own articles, that carried essentially the same message as my friends article did- including direct quotes from these friends, with links back to their blogs where the posts are published- and my articles have been published by HuffPo.

So- here is my question to The Huffington Post:

Why will you publish the message of acceptance of Autism, and the message of the need for advocacy to support Autistics, when it comes from a non-Autistic person..... but not when it comes from an Autistic person?

Sadly, I think I know the answer. It's because as a non-Autistic parent to Autistic children I am afforded privilege that Autistic parents are not. 

You see, Autistic people are very much caught in a catch 22. Society has been told, and believes, that all Autistic people are generally less capable than non-Autistic people. This means that if they say something about parenting it is not as valuable or significant as if a non-Autistic persons words.... even when they are talking about raising an Autistic child. Then, on the odd occasion that an Autistic parent says something and people think it's great, somehow the Autistic person is now seen as less Autistic.... or sometimes even confronted and accused of lying about begin Autistic (yes- this happens).... and their view point is again put back in the position of less valuable. 

Let's really have a think about the wisdom of listening to non-Autisitc people as our primary source of information about Autism. 

Above is an image that contains the title “Ask the REAL experts:” and has 4 pictures of female presenting faces(the one on the top left wearing a cute pink hat with ears), each with a speech bubble next to it. 

The first speech bubble says, “Would you get a tattoo from me? I mean, I know a lot about tattoos because I am married to a tattooist, and I even have a lot of tattoos. So, it makes perfect sense that you'd come to me to get a tattoo, even though I am neither licensed or experienced, right?” 

The second speech bubble says, “One of my besties has a pilot's license, so folks are going to let me fly them around in an airplane. Right?”. 

The third speech bubble says, “My husband is a nurse, so I can totally put in a catheter for you and administer your IV medications. OK?”. 

The last speech bubble says, “My boyfriend boxed in college, so if you need anybody punched out, I can tell you all about how to do it.”

Below the faces and speech bubbles to the left is the large word “No?” Followed by “Well, consider this: That’s pretty much what you're doing when you go to non-Autistic people to learn about Autism. And no, it won't be on your skin permanently, endanger your life or get you put in jail. But when you get the wrong messages and information and pass them on to your kids, you can most certainly damage them permanently.”

My thanks to Lei, Sparrow and Kassiane for their permission to use this image with their words and pictures. 

So, what do you think? Should HuffPo be favouring my voice on the topic of parenting Autistic children over the voices of Autistic people who have asked to have their work published by them? I don't. 

To be honest, I feel really conflicted by the fact that this happens. On one hand, I am glad they are happy to publish what I say when I do my best to let people know how much listening to Autistic people has helped me. On the other hand, it feels very, very wrong that the message that Autistic people have something to offer is only acceptable when it is filtered through a non-Autistic person. I am allowed, as a non-Autistic person to say "hey! I have something to offer here!".... why aren't they? 

After all, who are the real experts? 

Things I don't need to worry about: Let's talk about privilege

This article has been moved to michellesuttonwrites.com

http://michellesuttonwrites.com/2015/11/27/lets-talk-about-privilege/

40 things I am thankful for on my 40th birthday

Every few years my birthday falls on Mothers Day. This year happens to be Mothers Day and my 40th birthday.  

I am taking time today to "count my blessings". 
Here is my list of 40 things I am thankful for on my 40th birthday. 
Yes, I know it looks like a list of 10 things, but- trust me- there are 40 things in there (there may be more....I kind of got muddled counting)!! 

1. I am thankful for my mother and father, without whom I would not be here! My parents made sure I had everything I needed as I grew up, and are to this day always there when I need support. I don't call on them as often as I used to, but I know they would be here in an instant should I say I needed them. 

2. I am thankful for my Wonderful Husband, without whom I would not be mother to my children. My hubby is an amazing guy.... hard working, persistent and self-sacrificing. He is my love and my best friend and I would not want to be without him. 

3. I am thankful for my children. 6 of the best things I ever did. Each an individual, each with their own strengths and challenges, each a privilege to have in my life.

4. I am thankful for my siblings. 3 people who have known me their whole lives, who still like to spend time with me occasionally! I miss the times we all lived close together, but I know we are all in the right places, living our lives well. I am thankful for their partners and children.... my extended family, and people my kids would be happy to turn to in the event I couldn't be here for them. 

5. I am grateful I had the opportunity to grow up in a culture different than my birth culture. The experiences of my high school years formed the way I view the world, and helped me to become understanding of the need for compassion toward those who are from different backgrounds than our own. 

6. I am thankful for old friends. These are people who I have known since high school that I still love to chat with. They understand things about the way I think because of experiences we shared that no one else gets. They are in the stories I tell my kids about "when I was growing up", and are in the  memories of simpler times I cherish. Because of them I have little to draw on when my teenaged kids tell me of difficult experiences I am led to believe are "typical teenage relationships". Because of them I grew up feeling valuable and understood. I will be forever grateful. 
Bel bilong mi i amamas tru long yupela wantok bilong mi.

7. I am thankful for the friends of my adulthood. These are the friends I made as a young parent. We learned some tough lessons together. We supported each other through the days that followed sleepless nights, learning how to navigate parentings tough decisions, and through unexpected diagnoses. We've done this in person when we lived near, and continue to do it over the phone now that we live further apart. Here I give a special mention to my kids godmother who countless times has leant her listening ear to allow me to process my thoughts and her gentle wisdom to support me in tough decisions, and the kids godfather who has welcomed us his into family's home and lives unreservedly.  

8. I am thankful for friends in my local community. These are the people who I see daily, the parents of my kids best friends,  the people who support me and my family and who I hope I support in some way too. They put up with my bad mood days when I have Uni work due, they are on hand to pick up my kids from school if I'm running late from an appointment, they invite me to do stuff with them when they know I likely won't be able to- just so I know I am thought of and welcome, and they check up on me if I go "missing" when I am super busy.   

9. I am thankful for online friends in the Autism community. Many of these people are Autistic, and amazing advocates for themselves and for Autistic children. Some of them are parents of Autistic children who love and accept their kids exactly as they are. I am grateful that these people speak up about things that need changing in our world, sometimes at great personal cost. I am grateful that they give of their own time to answer my questions. These people have helped me challenge the generally accepted discourse around Autism, and as a result I am changed and my parenting is changed, for the better. 

10. I am thankful for the privilege of living in a well resourced place in the world, where I have access to good food, comfortable housing, running water, electricity, warm clothes, technology, choices, education that helps me know which choices are wise, opportunities to better myself, the freedom to express my opinion without fear for my life, and for people in my life who are not afraid to speak up and help me to appreciate all of this. I am also thankful for those who are helping me learn how to use my privilege in a way that benefits others. 

Autism Awareness, Light it up blue, and other problems

I know I am overdue an end of March post, but I've been so busy and I want to catch you all up on what's happening for "Autism Awareness Month" in my neck of the woods. 

The most exciting news is that The Huffington Post republished an article I wrote on my Amazing Adventures blog. The post is called "I will not light it up blue". I'll let you go read it to find out why. You can read it on the Amazing adventures blog or on The Huffington Post website, or on the Aussie Mum Network website (because they are running a series I edited during April too, so if you go there click around a bit to see the other posts).

We've been having some fun on the Amazing Adventures Facebook page too, making and posting memes like these.....

The 5 images above are all of smiling Autistic people next to a caption that says 

"I need your ACCEPTANCE much more than I need "Autism Awareness"

 I've said it before, but April is always a good time to say it again. Running campaigns for "awareness" does little for Autistic people.  Especially when the groups running the campaigns have the motive of raising money so they can pay their own salaries run programs that have been determined by non- Autistic people as helpful for Autistic people. 

Rather than rewriting my thought on this I'm going to jump on the republishing bandwagon and share with you a post I wrote for Amazing Adventures. You can find the original here.



"World Autism Awareness Day has been held every year since 9 September 1989. It was designated by the United Nations General Assembly resolution "62/139. World Autism Awareness Day," adopted on 18 December 2007, proposed by Qatar, and supported by all member states.^[1][2][3][4] The resolution had four main components:

• the establishment of 2 April as WAAD
• participation of UN organizations, member states, NGOs and all private & public organizations in WAAD
• raise awareness of autism on all levels in society
• to ask the UN Secretary-General to deliver this message to member states and all other UN organs.^[3]

I suppose in 1989 a World Autism Awareness Day may have been useful in some ways. After all, at that time the diagnosis of Autism had only been available for about 40 years, and Autism was not something most people knew about. In fact, in the 1840's Donald Gray Triplett, now in his early 80's was the first person ever diagnosed Autistic. Although I can't speak on his behalf, I'm pretty sure that World Autism Awareness makes no difference to Donald in his every day life.  

I can, however, speak on the behalf of my children. And I can tell you with all certainty that World Autism Awareness Day does not stop students at my sons school calling him stupid when he has to seek clarification on work tasks because he didn't understand the way the teacher communicated. 

World Autism Awareness Day does nothing to stop students at my sons school calling him rude when he tries to assertively explain his viewpoint in his someone monotone voice. 

World Autism Awareness Day does not prevent people from staring at my daughter if she has a sensory overload triggered meltdown in a public place and making snide comments about her needing a good spanking.

World Autism Awareness Day doesn't stop a mother in my community referring to my children as c*#^s who have behaviour problems because of my parenting and insisting they can't be Autistic. 

Those kind of situations can not be helped by awareness. 

I would actually argue that awareness can in some instances can hurt my kids. Like when students at my sons school say to each other- "don't do that, it makes you look Autisitc".  I'm not going to break down for you how many ways saying something like that is wrong (mostly because, to be completely honest, I can't stand the thought that you might have been reading my blog for a while and still not know why that statement is so offensive). But I will say that hearing his neurology referred to as an insult breaks my son just a little bit more each time it happens. 

There are others who agree with me. They are Autistic adults. When I asked them if World Autism Awareness Day helps them they said:

Kassiane- "yeah it helps me by making the world more aware that I don't exist, but would if I was a 6 year old white boy. And then when it finds out I do exist it reacts in a way that's a really awful amalgamation of insisting on denying my existence and acting on every awful hyperbolic stereotype, thus resulting in me being invisible except when people are wiping their asses with me.

Oh wait that's the opposite of helping."

Lei- "Awareness does not help me. I am aware of a great many things, but that does not mean I understand or accept them. Almost everyone I've ever met is "aware" of autism. That doesn't mean they accept me, or think it's okay to be like me. It just means they recognize my existence. That just seems weird to have a day set aside to say "Yay! You exist" and nothing else. I don't think it helps anyone to be tolerated once a year. I do plan on "celebrating" that day by reframing it as Acceptance Day and using it to open the library and hopefully, to change some minds about autism, acceptance and the value of human diversity."

Accpetance on the other hand......  true acceptance of Neurodiverstiy.....  true acceptance of the idea that everyone is valuable just as they are and has something of worth to offer even if they are part of a minority group.....  that would help my kids and my friends. 

Acceptance of difference would stop students making value judgements on people needing communication clarified. 

Accpetance would make it inappropriate to make jokes and form insults based on someones perceived differences. 

Acceptance of things we see but don't always understand would mean I and my children would not be subject to criticism and hurtful comments when things get hard for us in public. 

Acceptance is the only way my kids are going to grow up and not have to face the societally induced struggles my Autistic friends have faced in their life times. 

And let's face it, no one wants to know their kids are going to grow up having to fight every day to be deemed worthy by their peers just because they process information differently and need more support than most people do. 

No one wants to know their kids are going to be the butt of jokes and snide remarks because their voice doesn't have the same range of intonation as other people. 

No one wants to know their kids are going to grow up knowing that one day a year they are celebrated but the rest of the year they are going to have to "tough it out", "suck it up" and "just do what you can not to draw attention to yourself and you'll do fine". 

No one wants that for their children. 

So World Autism Awareness Day does not help my children. Or my friends. 

I am asking you to please, please, please, help me spread the word that what Autistic people need is ACCEPTANCE not awareness.  

For my kids. Please.

The cocoa cost of parenting

This article has been moved to 

http://www.respectfullyconnected.com/2015/12/the-cocoa-cost-of-parenting.html

We are perfection

This post has been moved to michellesuttonwrites.com